A Night to Forget
by GauronxSousuke
Summary: Sousuke, Mao, and Kurz get smashed, revealing that Sousuke can make a rather mean-spirited drunk. All three end up doing something they'll regret when they sober up. Crack fic.


_AN: Doing a different sort of fic this time! Not Gauron x Sousuke slash, although still a pretty cracked fic. Made this story for the FMP Crack community on livejournal (which sorely needs more love! /shameless plug). On a side note, the part about "canned crab" with Mao is referring to ubikono's fic detailing the torrid love affair between Mao and Canned Crab. Also, I made a little illustration to go with the fic here, if anyone wants to see it: _**pics(dot)livejournal(dot)com/gauronxsousuke/pic/000208ae**

Tonight was a special night for Mithril soldiers. They had just successfully completed a large scale mission in Lebanon, which made sufficient reason for merriment and drinking. The whole base was filled with laughter and the smell of booze. It would seem that everyone loved occasions like this. Everyone except for one person, that is.

"I hardly find it appropriate to drink such copious amounts of alcohol. Isn't there a mission the day after tomorrow?"

Kurz turned toward Urz-7, who was making a serenely disgusted face.

"Aww, c'mon, Sergeant Serious. After a high-stress mission like the one we just had, people need to unwind. You should lighten up too! Here, have a beer. It'll calm you down." Kurz took a large swig of the can in his hand before picking up another can to hand to Sousuke.

"You know I don't drink. It dulls the senses and makes people spout nonsense."

"Hey, why're you looking at me like that when you say something like that?" Kurz was flushed like a tomato, and he seemed to be slurring his words.

Sousuke gave Kurz an annoyed look. "How many cans of alcohol have you had?"

"Only six - or was it eight?" Kurz grinned.

Sousuke could hardly think of a response. He just stared at the now very smashed Kurz.

Kurz opened the new beer can and shoved it in Sousuke's face.

"You're always getting all huffy about other people havin' fun. It's fine to loosen up a bit y'know. Hell, have you even TRIED a sip of beer?"

"Ow - Kurz, what are you - " Sousuke was now struggling with a drunk Kurz, who was teasingly trying to force Sousuke to take a drink from the can.

A teaspoon of beer spilled into Sousuke's mouth.

"There - see? At least try a bit. It's just beer for god's sake." Kurz rolled his eyes and hiccupped.

Sousuke immediately flushed a beet red, and his head was buzzing. The whole world seemed to be warping around him, and he didn't feel himself at all.

Sousuke felt like crying. He was thinking of things like beating people up in his Bonta-kun Arm Slave, and that Chidori would shun him if she ever realized that that was him. He had no idea why he felt this way. And within a split second, he felt like... smiling? LAUGHING, even? At the thought of defeating Gauron inside of Bonta-kun and gloating over his body. It was around this time that Sousuke realized that he was _definitely _not himself right now.

"Hey - Sousuke. Hey. You okay? Man, you REALLY can't hold your alcohol, can you? Please don't tell me you're smashed from just that."

Kurz voice sounded very deep, like it went through a voice scrambler. His nose also looked especially large.

Sousuke collapsed onto the floor, sitting and trying to support himself against a chair.

"I'm dying, Kurz. Please tell Chidori to take care of herself, and that other agents in Mithril will... protect her. Also, tell Kalinin that I'm sorry," Sousuke was muttering his will, which he always rehearsed every day in the case that it would be needed.

"What's going on over here, you two idiots?" Mao stumbled her way over, another drunk person coming to make a spectacle.

"Big Sis! Nothing really - Sousuke got drunk and thinks he's dying. But hey, I'm feeling a little like I'm dying too - dying and going to heaven, seeing how beautiful you look, babe!" Kurz launched himself to fondle Mao, and earned himself a punch in the face.

"Stupid idiot! You're drunk, aren't you?" these bold words coming from the woman that was much more drunk than Urz-6.

"I'm serious, Big Sis. I love you. Come, give me a kiss here!" Kurz looked odd when he was flushed red, puckering his lips.

"You perverted player! Like you know real love!" Mao huffed while thinking about "real" love. "Real" love like what she felt for canned crab.

And Sousuke, on the other hand, was listening to the odd conversation taking place next to him. Hearing all this talk about "real" love, he felt rather... left out. Lonely, even. Which was ridiculous - but he WAS drunk, after all. Some part of him - a forbidden part deep within that was locked away and never to be opened (labeled "humor") - was being unlocked by the effects of alcohol. It was like Pandora's Box had been opened. Sousuke, in his drunken stupor, thought it would be _funny_ to surprise these two.

"Awww, Big Sis! You know I'm the only one that's truly in love with you - the "real" love type you're talking about there."

"Who said you're the only one? I'm in love with Mao too." This quiet voice was coming from the Sergeant leaning over the chair.

There was a silence.

"What?" Sousuke asked, annoyed that there was no reaction coming from either of these two drunkards. He was finally announcing something that all the other soldiers in Mithril would tease him about never feeling. The least they could do would be to congratulate him for being "normal" according to their disturbingly weird standards.

Just that statement alone from Sousuke seemed to have sobered Mao, at the very least.

"Sousuke... you must be REALLY sick! Is your brain fried?" Mao knelt down next to Sousuke, concern written on every part of her face.

"Mao... Sergeant Major... do you like me too? Who do you like more - me or Kurz?" Deep inside, some part of Sousuke found this entire thing utterly hilarious. Seeing Mao on the verge of screaming in horror in response to a small thing he said was pretty amusing to that part of him. But that part was probably the alcohol talking.

Mao was speechless, and turned to look at Kurz helplessly. And to her disappointment, Kurz was just as smashed as Sousuke.

"Yeah, Big Sis. Sergeant Stupid is right - who DO you like more? I mean, you give him breaks all the time, but that's just 'cause he's a kid, right?"

"Sergeant Major, tell us. A drunk slacker isn't the one you prefer, right?"

Mao felt trapped. She just wanted to scream and run away from this horrible nightmare, into the arms of canned crab.

Kurz stumbled forward and hugged Mao's waist. And Sousuke, following his lead, went up to Mao and leaned his head onto her shoulder. It was like a zombie attack from both sides.

"Even if it's a little bit, please leave room in your heart for me, Big Sis," Kurz muttered while nuzzling Mao's stomach.

"If possible, Sergeant Major, leave more room for me," Sousuke countered, feeling awfully competitive for some odd reason.

And some part of Mao snapped. Fuck this shit. It's party time, and she's smashed anyways. If both of these guys want it so badly, why not? She'll deal with the consequences later when her head doesn't feel like it's exploding and her heart doesn't feel like its pounding quite so hard.

Grabbing both of her underlings and supporting each of them on a respective shoulder, she heaved them out to some place where there would be more privacy. Her bunk seemed like a pretty nice place for the night.

* * *

"What the hell."

Sousuke woke up to an arm landing on his neck, partially strangling him. There was a leg that crossed over on top of his stomach, and another one on top of his leg. He turned wearily to the left. Mao was snoring, and one of her arms were around Sousuke. Sousuke turned to the right. Kurz was also snoring, and his arm was also around Sousuke.

Sousuke's head hurt like crazy. All of this was made worse when he realized that all three of them were naked in a bunk, covered only by a sheet.

Sousuke was sweating bullets now, and he turned deathly pale. Only when he was with these two did ridiculous things like this happen.

"Canned crab, you cheated first..." Mao muttered under her breath.

"Beautiful ladies, no need to fight... enough love for everyone..." Kurz spoke all too happily in his sleep.

And both leaned in and kissed Sousuke on the cheek.

Mortification, a desire to vomit, and utter confusion could describe what Sousuke was feeling. Closing his eyes, Sousuke willed himself to go back to sleep. Perhaps he will be able to deal with the catastrophe at hand later - or perhaps he will be able to suppress this memory deep within, locking it away forever.

Oh, how Sousuke did loathe parties. And it's too bad that, unbeknownst to him, another party with alcohol was arranged after this next mission...


End file.
